Military Family Life and Childcare

Mr. Kirkwood,

I think PFC Carde said about all I wanted to say to, well, maybe not. I would like to see you post her reply on your website and paper (link listed below). That is only fair to her and the thousands of mothers and fathers who sacrifice their time with their family to ensure your freedom. Can you please tell me why you said she does not have as “As much "right" as the next guy to serve her country.”? She is not ditching her child. As stated in her story, the child is with the father, but I guess that did not have very much journalistic appeal. I am also appalled that you consider her joining the Army as an act of betrayal. Just who do you think she betrayed? You? Besides, have you seen what an E-1 gets paid? It is definitely not thirty pieces of silver. I realize you have very strong views on many debates, but to attack PFC Carde is morally wrong and professionally unjust.

Sincerely,

Mr. Jerry L. Waller

Original Story Link: http://www.defenselink.mil/news/Jan2003/n01292003_200301294.html

Mr. Kirkwood’s Editorial: http://headlines.agapepress.org/archive/2/122003rck.asp

PFC Carde’s Editorial: http://www.af.mil/stories/123005045.shtml

I became pregnant in March 2001. I was told to go put my name on the waiting list as soon as possible for a slot at the CDC for my child. I went and registered. Now, it is 15 months later, my son is 6 months old, and we are still on the waiting list. What really pushes my button is the my husband and I are both in the Marines. We have the same priority in the list as a civilian on this base. Personally, I think that is wrong. If anything, dual military households should have priority. There is a friend of mine who got out, and is working for a contractor located on the base, and she is allowed to bring her child to the CDC. That is wrong. Military should have priority. There are also employees who work there, and they too are allowed to bring there children there. I am a Marine, needing childcare for my child, and the base that I am stationed on, doesn't have an opening. Shouldn't civilians have to arrange to have their children in a day care in town instead of me. I cannot get to work until 7:00 everyday because I cannot drop my son off until 6:30. Then, I have to fight the traffic to get back on base. Military should have priority.

become a Sailor once again, and to serve my country with pride. I will admit that being a civilian these last few years has helped my relationship with my sons and my husband, but at a cost to my soul. There are women out there who do get pregnant so that they can be discharged, and though my actions may indicate that I am one of them, I assure you I am not. My first born was conceived out of love, as was my second. Not as an act to release me from some contract that, had I wanted to badly enough, I could have broken in a different way that would not entail a life long commitment.

In short, I think that with the right degree of determination and support from those people who are closest to you in your PERSONAL life, being a mother in the military is not a bad thing. Just the opposite. It can be a rewarding experience, helping us to feel fulfilled as women, and appreciative of the time we spend with our families. Rather than stagnate and rot in a day to day routine of ho-hum boredom, I look forward to a stimulating lifestyle that is fulfilling on every level.

I have never in my life heard such ignorance displayed in one paragraph. As a Navy female Nuclear propulsion plant operator I did my time just as everyone else in the 2 years of schools and the hell of working down in the reactor plant for an additional 2 years. With two years left in the Navy and pushing the age of 28 I found myself pregnant. After nine years of birth control, it finally failed me. No, it is not 100%. I found out I was carrying my daughter after being on Depo for about 6 years. Do i think i was foolish? No. I had sex. The majority of sailors do. I have been in a monogamous relationship for 3 years now. Should I have aborted just to appease the likes of you and those sharing your narrow views? No. I am taking responsibility for my actions by ensuring that my child is raised in a stable, loving home. Each day i go to work and face the comments and caveman attitudes of those I work with. Talk about a hostile work environment. I am standing watch operating a nuclear reactor, but am treated as if I am just another dumb female sailor who got knocked up to get out of the navy. I did not originally want to get out but the constant harassment that I face and the overwhelming cost of childcare for 3 section duty while in the yards is too much. What gives you the right to judge? Each sailor, married or single has their own individual story. Do not stereotype any of us. One does not have to be promiscuous to get pregnant, so don't point fingers unless you abstain completely. One day it may happen to you and the song you sing will change completely.

I was skimming through and reading some posts every now and then. I just want to comment that I agree with most of the people who have written. Both my husband and myself are in the Navy and we have one daughter. We are both
Second Class Petty Officers (E-5) and currently pay $420.00 for daycare a month. If we were to have a second child (which we have been trying to have for almost a year) we would pay another $420.00. I have heard that it would go down $10 for the second child but why make the effort? Ten dollars isn't that much money. The sad thing about this is that our daughter goes to a military daycare (Child Development Center). I think that the government should look into cutting the costs of childcare for its service members. Don't get me wrong. I love my daughter's CDC and wouldn't change her carefor the world (unless I was a stay at home mother). I just wanted to post my feelings. Thanks.

It is just common sense. You know exactly what you were getting into when you got pregnant. As a childless, single woman working her hard to cover up the slack that foolish pregnant women like you give in the military I and others have every right to be mad at your misconduct. I do NOT care how hard it is. Common sense would dictate not to have a child you cannot afford. If you got knocked up whose fault is it but your own. You were given a debriefing on Stds, AIDS, etc., but were too ignorant to use it. When you are in the military your number one priority is your job, nothing else. I cannot stand to see these promiscuous recruits expecting someone to feel sorry for them because of their mistakes. Grow up, and take responsibility for your actions. You and others cause nothing but discord and loss of

Maybe there is a reason that the good Lord hasn't given you any children. It's apparent that you don't have a clue what it takes to be a parent. When you are a parent, that child is your number one priority. It seems like you are too selfish to be a parent. Maybe you need to learn about birth control. Because if you do have a child, you will realize how hard it is to find affordable, quality childcare. It is not always possible for one parent to stay at home. You'll be in my prayers.

Hasn't anyone ever heard of birth control. It seems to me that most of these people who are complaining about daycare and wanting more money, never took a family planning class. I did in high school. Having a child is something that needs planning and responsibility. If you can't budget your finances, career, education, and family you should never have gotten pregnant. Children nowadays need stability. That does not mean living in one place. It means that they should have parents ( or one parent) that can completely care for them. I am a 2 striper who has been married for several years and has been trying to have a child for the last two years. I have a stepdaughter that my husband and I provide for. She gets whatever she needs to be a better person. She lives with her mother , but she communicates with us every 2-3 days and we get her for the summer. Yes when we have her money gets tighter , but we still provide for her whatever we can afford. I am not going to ask for more money during the summer so we can put her in daycare. She is not going to be my excuse for getting more money from the govt. Why should the gov't have to pay for us to have her or any other child that we might have. If you were in a civilian job would you demand that they give you more money to put your child in daycare, just because you work for them. I think not. They would tell you to take a hike. You signed those enlistment papers, nobody forced you to. You knew what you were getting into. I have to leave for a 12 month unaccompanied tour. How hard do you think that is for a family,. When asked by my shirt how I felt about it, I told him that it was my duty and that it was a possibility when I signed up. Yes, I'm glad I don't have any children yet, but if I did I knew there would be no changing my orders. It took me a long time to join (I'm 27), but it was the best thing I ever did. My life has improved dramatically I'm almost debt-free and I have money in my savings account to pay for those unexpected bills and to provide for my children when and if I ever have them.

The woman who posted comments on 30 Oct needs to look around at the current work force a little more. The military is no longer uniquely mobile in terms of employees moving or having to travel frequently. To imply that active duty mothers (or any working mother for that fact) are somehow shorting their children is very short sighted. I have two children, both born while I was on active duty. Both have been in child care or before/after school programs since they were six weeks old. We (my husband is also active duty Air Force) have always been involved with their care and have managed to deal with whatever crisis was thrown our way (again nothing unique to any working mother). In fact, with our first, I was especially grateful to have access to the day care people who had much more experience with babies than I had! Their lives have been enriched by the experiences we've had and the places we've lived while on active duty. And through it all, we have, in fact, raised our children the way we wanted. My husband and I have both made sacrifices in our Air Force careers in order to give our kids as stable a life style as possible. We do consider their needs and place a high priority on them, but we must also consider our needs. I haven't asked for any special treatment, but I also work within the system to find solutions. We were also ready to make career changes should our dual military careers impact our family too much. I don't believe having children is a choice that excludes all other choices, you just work harder to find a compromise. We talk to our kids and they know what we do and why we do it--our family is stronger because of it. The key is to have parents who are comfortable with the choices they have made and to have open lines of communication with your kids. I think the same goes for single parents, although it is a tougher challenge. Kids draw a lot of their strength from knowing their parents love them and that they are taking care of the details.

My husband and I are duel military stationed in Yokosuka, Japan. Don't even let me tell you how messed up all of their instructions are all the way from the bull they make you go through in getting married, to how they wouldn't give us housing until one week before my baby was due. My Chief (God bless his soul) was my salvation through all of this. He helped us find all of the loop holes. I now have a 7 mo. old son and we finally got settled...but my detailer wants to put me back on a ship! You see, my husband is on a ship already and we are overseas. I have no one to care for my child if we are both underway. My detailer does not seem to care about this issue. You may be thinking...a baby was not issued to you in your sea bag...a sailor belongs at sea...or various other things and you may be right. One thing

you are not thinking of are the children. When these people go on deployments who are they leaving there children with? Non duel-mil leave there kids with there spouse, but where do the duel -mil leave their kids? Like in my case, do I leave Jacob with my terminally ill mother? Or my husbands full-time working mother (which by the way he would have to go in day care anyway). Or do I leave him with one of those "long term care providers"? I know for a fact that there are no "long term care providers" here, and even if there were, what kind of parent would entrust a helpless, vulnerable infant with a person outside the immediate family for an extended period of time? I could not bear to think of some of the sick people in this would and what they do to children. At least on shore duty, I can go to my providers house at anytime and check on my son, if I was underway I would just have to pray that my infant is not being sexually molested,

Hi As a mother of four I chose to do childcare out of my home. I have one child at home the others are in school. We just relocated from Ga to MI. If I can be of any assistance to anyone in my area, Lansing, MI., Please feel free to contact me. With my husband it the Air Force I know how it feels not having adequate childcare. E-mail:
Jtrackwell@aol.com

anything but insulting to others. You said in your letter that we "claim" to adore serving our country, are you saying that we don't? You should be thankful that we do what we do. Because we do it everyday, even for selfish, opinion IMPOSING people like yourself. Instead of being thankful you choose to chastise. Myself and lots of other women like me work hard to care for our children, the reason why you made so many "changes" to accommodate your choice of having a family was because you were ABLE too.............do you think that we enjoy spending time away from our children? Do you think we don't worry about the effects that our lives will have on them? Really.............The more I think about what you had the nerve to write the more sorry I am that I wasted the time I did reading your posting.

Becoming a member of the armed services serves two points for single parents. The first is job stability. Nowhere else can you almost be guaranteed a job for a minimum of 4 years. Therefore, you have means to provide for you child or children. The second is knowing that, although your circumstances maybe different than those in the civilian sector, you are doing what is best for you and your children. It is not easy to be a parent, a single parent, or a single parent in the military. If she had to choose between being homeless, going on public assistance or taking a pay cut to provide housing, health insurance, and a better life for her child, what would she do? I believe she would make the same sacrifices many of the women who serve have. Although some women complain about not seeing their children as often, I see my daughter more now than I did when I was a civilian. I stayed home with my daughter for the first 7 months and I know the joy of experiencing first moments. The moments that any mom shares with her child cannot be taken away. Personally, I want my daughter to understand the values of independence and honor. She knows I love her and that's all that really matters.

I wanted to reply to the last post that you had on 30 Oct 00 "Mothers in the Force". Apparently this lady has never been in the military because she doesn't understand why we do what we do. I am a new mother of a 10 month old and yes, I have had trouble with daycare and it's prices but I have found other routes to take. Yes, I love my child and she comes first but to give my child the things that she needs, I have to work. It so happens that my job right now is in the Navy and I am obligated to serve 5 years with no turning back. It is not like a regular job, when I have a baby then I quit my job. WHATEVER! I believe people have to look at the good things to, my child has free medical care, and in a home that can provide her the things that she needs because I have a stable job. I don't like the fact that I will have to leave her soon for 6 months but I know that there will come a time that she will understand what I did and why I did it. So, until I can finish my time to the Navy, I am here and there is nothing I can do about it but to enjoy everything I can and provide the things for my child the best way that I can.

I have been reading all of the letters in this column and have found that a general complaint is a strenuous work schedule and trouble with your day-care systems. I guess what I have trouble with is understanding how you continue on with your military career through these conditions. I do hear how you claim to adore serving your country and it is something many of you have aspired to do for many years, but I feel that once you have children you have to put their needs first and that does not include raising a bunch of suitcases. I just don't feel this is a stable enough environment for your children. I am also a mother and have had to make many changes to accommodate my choice of having a family. You people go on about how difficult it is on you but have you thought of how hard this is on them, they are just children. They did not have the luxury to choose this hectic

Being a single mother in the military and in a unit that deploys about every 6 months to Saudi and got to the field for 2 weeks every month. I think units that deploy alot or do a lot og training should be reimburse for childcare. The average military personnel works a 12 hour day mon-friday. (I am including Pt) Not to mention the time you have to have your children @daycare to make it at work on time. I wish that all of us (single, married, and dual military couples) can put enough pressure on the right people so that we can have reimbursement for childcare and also make it mandatory that all military childcare centers provide 24/7 child care! As for the home based military care providers..... they should have the option of doing the 24/7. How does that sound everyone? I wonder how can I try to get that approved.

We are a dual military family with two beautiful children that we cherish like every other parent, and we have always wanted the best for our children and didn't mind paying for it until we moved overseas. This was our first time dealing with CDC and will probably be our last. First of all, the fees for childcare are outrageous, we are enlisted soldiers being charged just as much childcare as an senior officer, now we don't make nearly as much as they make, but yet we are charged the same if not more. Now I think that the same care is given to all kids regardless of the parents rank, or how many parents are in the military, don't penalize us for having a dual military family. CDC is not treating my kids any better than they are treating a single soldier family, so

I'am a SSgt in the USAF, my husband is also a SSgt. We both work on the ICBM's although different aspects of the system basically the same stuff. My day usually starts with getting up as early as 0430 and getting my two sons a 4 yr old and a 6 mo old ready for daycare. I then sit them in front of the TV with their favorite video and I proceed to get myself ready. I am usually out the door at around 0630. I drop them off at daycare then go on to work. I work a 12 hr shift sometimes later (no lunch breaks) and then go pick both my children up and come home and cook dinner. Catch up on my husband and childrens' day and give baths simultaneously. I then do dishes and laundry and get to bed by 2300 to start the same day over again. My husband tries to pick up the children when he gets off earlier than me so this usually cuts my drive time down a bit and the children are pretty much settled when I get home so I can prepare dinner easier this way. I alternate 12 hr shifts every 2 wks. (nights and days ) when working night shift I go to bed at 0630 (after getting both children ready for daycare) then sleep til 1100 and I go pick them up (this is so I get someone on one time with them). I then get ready for work, cook dinner and wait for husband to walk in the door at 1630. I walk out the door by 1700 and get to work by 1730 and begin my shift. I do this again for a total of three days solid for two weeks in a row. After two weeks I switch back to day shift. 3 on 3 off for 2 wks. I do slip some cardio kickboxing in after night shift. My three days off is usually spent running errands and cleaning the house, doctors appt. etc. Unless a Commander's Call or class is thrown in there which happens more often then not. My husband and I work closlely together to ensure our childrens' emotional and physical needs are well met. It takes a lot of team work and discipline to work like this but, we love our children and each other and are very happy in the military.

Dear Military Special Needs Families, Parents Helping Parents is a support group,information & refferal service. Sharing our stories and needs helps use to because advocate for our families. We are Jamie & Dawn Damato (USAF E-5) parents of Nicole 6 with Autism & Michael 4 with asthma. We are stationed at Charleston AFB SC. Tricare Region 3&4. We have contacted many families all over the US and overseas, asked what kind of services they are getting or not getting. So if you are PCSing we probably know someone there who can really help you! Also, Jamie & I have been selected to the Federal Intragency Coorindinating Council. This council meets quarterly with all the Federal Agencies that service your families. DOD is our main focus, they run the EFMP, TRICARE,PFPWD and move us from base to base.They must be informed how difficult life is for a military special need family. We have educational & medical needs that must be met.

Please send us your stories, and pass the word out to others that the military special need families have a voice in DC.

www.onelist.com and select the User Center link from the menu bar on the left. This menu will also let you change your subscription between digest and normal mode.

I find it difficult to believe that the childcare issues are still in a crisis situation. When I had my children now 22 and 18 I HAD TO SIGN PAPERS stating who wer going to be responsible should I leave for extended periods,the said persons had to be given power of attorney to bring my children to medical (even my reg babysitter had to have this). The base chidcare was run like the civilian, was only open from 630 am to 630 pm, this wasn't cost effective for me because I STILL HAD TO PAY FOR THOSE DAYS THAT I did not have duty. I paid $700 a month for 2 kids but the home care provider had them for overnights on the weekend. Before I left the navy in 84 they allowed a nanny to live in the navy house to take care of your child. There were hard times but we survived.

My husband and I are both in the US Navy. He is on a ship and I work on a naval station. I have read a lot of the letters about daycare and this is what I have to say. One person wrote a letter saying that you could never pay too much for childcare. Well, I can agree with her on that, but honey you are mistaken! I can't afford $500 a month per child for daycare and I doubt that many other enlisted people can either. I have two girls and I would love to put them in a private school but on my salary I cannot afford it!

In my job I do shift work and that means that I have to work two 12 hour day and mid shifts a week and I work most weekends. I have used my resources and tried to find people to watch my children, but most home daycare providers will not watch children for those hours. When I asked my command to help out with the daycare situation (this is not only for me, but for the many parents whom I work with ) the only answer they could give is that it is too much legal work involved. I don't know about you, that didn't sit well with me. On the average a sitter has to watch my children 13 hours a day. My oldest child should be in pre-school, but because I have to be a work so early in the morning she can't attend the schools in my area.

I know some of you out there might be saying that I am complaining about nothing. I really like my job, but it is hard for me to concentrate on my job when I am worrying about my children. My command is very quick about jumping down someone's throat about the daycare situation, but they are also not willing to do their part and help out their people. It is true that most military daycare hours are not well situated with the military life. This problem has been going on for years at my command and it will be going on years after I leave there. All I asked my command for is a daycare that was open 24 hours so that whenever someone comes to the command they will have a reliable daycare for their children.

I feel that most commands should try and supply some type of daycare for their people if they require them to work unusual hours.

Posted: 14 Apr 99
"In Response to the 28 Jul 98 Post
'Single Parents in the Air Force'"

no right to tell a woman that she can or cannot have a child regardless of marital status. I have seen both sides of the fence and for your information I am also in the Air Force as a senior airman. I know a lot of woman that were happily married and decided to have children and for whatever reason they are now raising those children on their own. Sometimes you do need help and a little understanding but for the most part all of the single parents in the military are able to do both. When you have an illness then you go to the hospital to cure it. This is during duty hours, am I correct? So therefore you have had times that you have had to take away from the mission also. These were personal items that you had to deal with that you yourself needed time off to handle. I understand your frustration at working with someone incompetent but who are you to criticize and to say that her not doing her job was solely base upon her having a child. It was obvious that she had issues other than her child that she needed to have dealt with. About daycare, you ranted and raved abut the fact that she was given special priority on the waiting list, well guess what, so are dual military families. They are given the same priority as her. Should they too be punished in your eyes because they are both in the military. I had a son while being single and on active duty and you know what, it was hard. A lot of people have the same idea that you do, and looked down on me because I wasn't married but unless you have walked in those shoes then I suggest that you don't judge. A very famous person once said that "the who has the first sin then cast the first stone". It is true. It sounds like supervision is being too lenient on her. You shouldn't come into work late everyday and get away with it regardless if you have a child or not. But before you judge so harshly have you ever taken the time to talk to her. Not to chastise or criticize but too sincerely talk to her. Maybe you would have a better understanding of what she is going through. All the appointments that you talked about though are

things that have to been done regardless if she was married or not. Even being married I have to do those kind of things too. Sounds to me like you need to sit down and have a long talk with your supervisor. Remember the chain of command, that's what it is for and it starts with your supervision. I've gone on long enough but I would like to say one more thing. NEVER EVER call someone else's child a mistake. You weren't there so you don't know. No child regardless of its parentage should be treated differently. The way you said that sounded to me as though you were saying because the mother wasn't married then her child was less of a person. I have two children now. One I had while I was single and one I have had since being married.

I am a 21 year old Cpl. in the Marines and married to a former 26 yr. old marine. I was lucky enough to be blessed to be stationed in a training squadron because the only deploying we do is 10 days twice a year to Kauai. Just recently we had to fire our baby-sitter due to neglect. That happened very quickly and I went on leave to find a new provider. My husband works 0600-1430, and I work 0645-1700, so the hours are kind of crazy, and most sitters don't like getting up early. I am never late to work, I go to pt at 0515 in the morning, and again at 1030. Both child development centers on base are full to capacity, and the certified child care providers on base are full too, so I'm kind of stuck. My work center is very understanding about me taking leave, and on the really hard days when I need to be there, they have no qualms about my 5 month old tagging along since she sleeps most of the time, provided it's not often. Living in Hawaii is expensive, and finding childcare off base can run $600 and up (and you're dropping them off and picking them up when they tell you too). Hopefully the new class of sitters will be picking up their certification this week and we can find her someone who is certified (since it's a law on base). Child care is a big issue for married and single marines. The reason they give single marines priority over married marines who have been on the waiting list longer is because there is no back up for the single marine. If something happens to me and I can't be there for my daughter, they know that my husband will take over. For single Marines, that may not be the case. It bothers me a little bit because I feel that I have priority because my husband and I can't work but I can't condemn

Posted: 5 Aug 98
In Response to the 23 Jul 98 Post
"Single Parents in the Air Force"

My, oh, my! You really need to open your eyes, honey! No offense, but I think that maybe you are a little annoyed and resentful for the wrong reasons. First of all, you said that the 3 single parents at your 1st base were the exception because they came to work on time, didn't complain about going TDY and leaving the baby home, basically had it together, right? And that the female at your 2nd base was the example of the majority of the single parents in the military? I understand that this person was possibly abusing her rights or maybe using her baby as an excuse for being late and not wanting to go TDY, etc. Since you are the one going TDY and being responsible about coming to work on time I could see why you would be somewhat annoyed at the situation, but not necessarily at the single parent simply because she is a single parent. I think it would be wrong to assume that single parents make it harder on everyone else, including themselves, just because you happen to work with one who, as an individual, is irresponsible. You are using one bad apple as an example when you just mentioned 3 other single parents who were doing a fine job of juggling the single parent part and their military job! I think that putting a label on single parents because of one individual is wrong. In fact, it sounds like stereotype to me.

Another point I would like to mention is that, being a parent myself, married couples who have children in the military still go to appointments for them and if your child is sick in the morning with the flu, chances are you will be taking them to the hospital, therefore arriving to work late. Things do happen that, as a responsible parent- single or not, need to be taken care of during work hours.

My friendly advise to you: if this single parent that you work with is taking advantage of others or using her child as an excuse to get out of work or whatever, talk to your supervisor about it or even try to talk to her if you think that would be a good idea. Let her know that there are single parents out there going on TDY's and busting their butt to get to work on time even when things come up. If this isn't a good idea then bring it up to whoever is covering for her when she feels like copping out. The person who might be the problem, besides her, is the one who is giving her special privileges when she shouldn't be getting them. I happen to work at a place where we go TDY all the time too. In fact, it seems like it's an on-going thing in our shop. Most of the people here do have children and still go TDY. On the other hand, they also have times where they do need assistance and those are the times when people like you should look at the situation- maybe give a little understanding too. Some day if you ever have a child of your own, single parent or not, you will understand. Still, like I said before, if this girl is the problem than don't create a bad image for single parents because of her. Also, I would hate to look at having a child as a mistake.

Well, I too believe that the military does not offer as much $ as they should and it has been rumored that benefits are decreasing. But I also believe that the military does offer support and understanding, and in the outside world, in many cases, it is a lot more difficult to get that support and security that you do have in the military. You have to fend for yourself no matter where you are and I think that if you try to think more positively and motivate yourself to find out what is being offered you will find a lot more satisfaction. Or you can sit around and complain about it and not get yourself anywhere. Do you honestly think that anyone who is considering having a child in the military should not?

I am currently 20 weeks pregnant (5 mo.) and I too have only 2 stripes. I was also living in the dorms when I found out I was going to have a baby. At first I was scared, worried, and was wondering how I was going to manage. So I started making phone calls and talking to other women on base who had just had a baby themselves. In about a week I found out so much information that I did not know, some good and some bad. The bad news was that I couldn't receive my G.I. Bill if I got out to stay home with the baby after only 6 weeks of maternity leave. I wasn't too sure about leaving a 6 week old baby with a total stranger. I fell two months short of my 3 year mark (you must have 3 years of service in order to get out and still receive the G.I. Bill). My due date is 6 Dec 98 and my three year mark is 14 Feb 99 and when you get out because of pregnancy it has to be before the baby is born (they're not going to pay for your delivery only to find out that you're getting out of the military!).

So then I tried to think of my pros instead of cons. Why get out anyways? It only costs $25 to have my baby in a civilian hospital with a civilian doctor assigned to me. On the outside you would have to pay alot more! The medical and dental benefits alone are something to look at. And dealing with a day care on base is no different than dealing with one on the outside. Actually it is probably safer and cheaper. Also, as far as rent goes? You are entitled to receive money 30 days prior to having your baby. That's BAQ (rent $) and BAS (food $). As a 2 striper I get paid around $300 for BAQ and $250 for BAS. I know that $250 at the Commissary will go a long way! If any of this is a problem for you at your base GO UP YOUR CHAIN OF COMMAND! There are ways to get by and be happy, I'm sure because I am doing it. And I know that it would be much harder for me on the outside. Sure, I could live off of Welfare but would that give me satisfaction? I don't think so!

My point is this: It is ultimately up to you to take care of yourself and any situation you put yourself in. No matter where you're at in this world you are going to experience challenges and maybe some very hard times, but to sit around and complain about what you're not getting or what others aren't doing for you is useless and I imagine pretty depressing and stressful. Reach out to people- they will listen to you. Especially when they have no choice but to listen. Use your chain of command! Call all services being offered and get the nitty gritty. Ask around in your community as well. And focus on the good things being offered to you!!! The only thing you're doing is hurting yourself when all you can see is the negative. Good Luck and Don't Give Up!

I am a young female airman currently serving at my second Air Force base. At my first base, I worked with 2 single mothers and 1 single father. My particular job requires a lot of TDY's and a lot of long hours. Well, these 3 people that I worked with at this particular base NEVER complained about having to find a child care provider. I never heard them complain about having to come into work early or going on 4 month TDY's to the desert. When I came to my second base, I realized that these wonderful people that I used to work with were the exception.

When I arrived on station, I met a female that I would be working with. She had just found out that she was pregnant. She was unmarried and barely in contact with the father of her child. Needless to say, she was on her own. Well, those nine months were filled with nothing but house hunting, ob/gyn, and administrative appointments. She couldn't do most of the work that my job requires. Okay, that's fine, I could understand that. BUT, when the baby came I would come to understand all of the people that have ever complained about single parents in the military. First of all, her child was put into daycare immediately because she was a single parent which made her a higher priority. I found that to be very unfair to couples who had been on the daycare waiting list longer than her. Why should they be punished for her mistake? The airman would show up to work late and use excuses like, "the baby kept me up all night," and the baby just didn't want to get up this morning." This airman would leave constantly for appointments. I'm talking not only doctor's appointment's, but appointments to get her baby a passport, appointments to get her baby a birth certificate, etc. It was endless. When it was time to deploy to a high threat area the other month, I was forced to go even though I went on the last one. I was told that it wouldn't be fair to her because then she'd have to find child care. Is that my problem? Also, my job involves flying so our schedule is based on the flying schedule. Sometimes our flights are really early or really late. Therefore, we need a person to come in early or stay late during those times. Guess who always gets volunteered to pull these shifts? ME!!! It wouldn't be fair to her to have to go find child care. That's what I was told once again. Okay, I know that I'm babbling, but my point is that when people choose to have a baby out of wedlock, they are not only making things harder on themselves, but they are making things harder on everybody else. People need to think before they act and supervisors and command personnel need to make sure that military members like me are not being taken advantage of because of other people's mistakes. Thank you.

Before my son was born, I searched around and found a day care provider who would accept him when my maternity leave was up. Her family was Hispanic and, though her four girls all had black hair and my son had blond hair, when people asked if he was her son, she answered yes! He started calling her Mama as well as me. It bothered me a little but not much. He knew who his real mother was. I would leave my job at lunchtime and go to her house to breastfeed--I did it for about 3.5 months. I would have done it longer but I had to go to the field for 10 days and the milk dried up, despite my expressing it.

When her family left Germany, a Filipino woman became his "nanny," caring for him in someone else's home downstairs. Then my daughter was born, and the nanny had them both for six weeks until we PCSed. We went to Virginia, bought a house, and I found a new day care provider. This woman was French! This was our worst experience, however, as she didn't seem to take care of the children very well. I had to leave within a couple weeks to go to the officer's advanced course, leaving the children with my husband. He and the day care provider argued every day over who was causing my daughter's diaper rash. When my daughter was six months old, we were able to get her into the base day care center, as well as my son.

The day care center was great for those ages. The day care providers were loving and warm. Our children were always happy. They got lots of hugs from these women. The bathroom may not have seemed pristine and there were lots of runny noses, but our kids loved going there. They got to play and sing and draw, etc.

Then we put our son in a private nursery school near our home. He flourished. Our daughter finally joined him about 18 months later, when she was potty-trained. It was terribly expensive (about $500 per child per month, more than our mortgage), but they had computer time and learned French (HA!). Plus it was a beautiful setting, and the grades went up to 8th. They also had a wonderful summer camp. Just like day care centers, however, closing times were strict, so we would have to make sure we were there on time to pick them up.

My son stayed there through kindergarten (three years) and my daughter for one year. Then we moved to Germany. Prior to our move, I contacted many German child care centers through the mail (I was learning German and we wanted our children immersed in that culture). We happened upon a new center when we arrived, right in the town we lived in, that was run by the city and situated on a park. This cost us about $500 a month for both children. The day care center sent them off to the German school and supervised their homework when they returned. It was a gorgeous facility--with the nicest teachers (they have associate degrees) that you could imagine.

After three years there, we returned to the States. My husband went to Virginia with our son and I went to Kansas with our daughter, for almost one year. My daughter was 7 and, at first, attended before and after-school care. But we only lived 2 blocks from the school, our next door neighbors were her best friends, and their mom was always home to see them off. I usually returned home within 30 minutes of my daughter so we gave up the after-school care and before-school care after a few months because my daughter didn't like it. I often drove her to school instead. My son became a latch-key kid, getting himself to the bus after my husband left for work and letting himself in and tending to himself until my husband arrived home about 6 p.m. It seemed as if he were too young, but my son has always been extremely independent and resourceful.

Thank goodness, child care is behind us. I did note one comment submitted here, of someone saying she had to pay the outrageous sum of $58 a week for child care. I can't understand any parent who isn't willing to pay top dollar to the person who cares for their child. Children are worth more than $10 a day. Anyone who would charge about $1 an hour would not be someone I would want to leave my children with. Certainly not everyone can afford the private school that we did, but if you work and have children, you must give the highest priority to obtaining good, competent, reliable, and happy child care. Instead of the old mortgage adage to buy more house than you can currently afford, I would suggest that working parents should pay more for child care than they can currently afford and scrimp elsewhere. Don't scrimp on your children. You'll regret it in the end. Best of luck to everyone in their child care dilemmas.

I recently retired from the Navy after 20, and I had four daughters while serving. My oldest is now 14 and my youngest is 3. All four of these children have been daycare/homecare kids, depending on the best choice available at the time. I am now working in the Kindergarten program at the Youth Center on the base where my husband is completing his time before retirement.

I have never once felt that someone else was raising my children. I admit there are some parents who choose (for whatever their own personal reason) to leave their children in daycare for what seems like long hours. I am restricted to ten hours a day at the center on this base; if I go over ten hours too often, the center refers me to Family Advocacy. That, to me, is a reasonable policy.

Now that I am working full-time in a daycare/youth program, I can guarantee you from first hand experience that the daycare centers DO NOT, most emphatically DO NOT raise other people's children. Frankly, I take a lot more cr*p from the kids in my care than I would ever dream of taking from my own children, and if I were allowed to handle the daycare kids the way I've taught my own, I think my job would be a lot easier. Seriously, daycare can only reinforce what a child learns at home from the parent(s). I know kids of single parents and kids of "typical" two-parent homes. I know kids whose parents are always around, and some whose parents deploy occasionally, and some whose parents are gone for extended periods. The children are a reflection of their home life: if the kids are polite, clean, well-mannered and generally nice, it's because they learned it at home. Conversely, if the kids are monsters, surprise! They learned that at home, too. It has nothing to do with which (or how many) parents are home, whether or not they attend daycare, public/private or home school, whether or not they go to church.......you get the picture.

So do what's right for you and your family. Don't let others tell you what's right for your house. The options are there if you want (or need) to use them. Generally, if it feels right, it IS right. And only you can decide what's right for you.

Excuse me. Did you say pinkeye? The HIGHLY contagious infection that passes around daycare centers like wildfire? You're darn tootin' they called you to take your child home and get him/her proper medical attention (which, incidentally, falls under neglect if you fail to do it). Ringworm gets the same reaction from me. These are contagious, honey, and if MY child were sitting around a daycare center infecting your kid, wouldn't you want Typhoid Mary sent home? Irritation, whether it's around the eye, the scalp, the bottom, or anywhere, will make most children cranky. And here's another thing to think about: your daycare workers are human, which meant they are susceptible to the same infections the kids get. Just which planet do you come from?

I am currently a single mother in the air force of a two year old. I feel as though the air force has really helped me raise my child. My son goes to daycare about nine hours a day. It gives me a break and it also gives him a break and a chance to interact and learn from other children. Contrary to what you said most daycare centers on at least air force bases help you teach your children things. I am being helped to potty train him and he has motivation because he sees other kids going to the bathroom so he wants to go to. I get a very detailed list everyday with everything he did that day when I go to pick him up.It includes when he slept, when and what he ate, what he did as far as playing and as learning. I believe it is good for him to be able to interact with children his own age. I have been away from my son for several months this year (about three) and I missed him but you know what, he didn't forget who I was and actually it was a well needed break. I am able to go to college with the military paying 75% plus get the pell grant and take two classes a semester. I am almost done with my associates degree now and most of my military training has been applied to my collage as credits. Even when you wait tables you have to leave your daughter and at least this way you can be building your and her futures. The time in basic goes by quickly because of all the things you have to do and learn. I can honestly say that being in the air force as a single mother has done me a lot of good. No other job is going to worry if you have a place to stay and food to eat and is going to help you in those sticky situations. I think that going to talk to an air force recruiter (I'm biased) would do you really well.

Alright, I read what everyone else had to say, and maybe I'm just being naive but I noticed a lot of parents being separated from their children for long periods of time. A few even seemed to be letting someone else, such as the sitter, raise their child. I didn't realize this was the fact-of-military-life that it seems to be.

I have been considering the military for a long time now, and feel very strongly that it is the best thing I could do for myself right now, but what about my daughter? I have never sent her to day care because it is my job to raise her, not someone else's (no offense) and I believe that all children do better in a family situation as opposed to a group basically geared towards keeping them entertained and safe while their parents are busy. However, I do realize that in the military day care is necessary, and am comfortable with it. Still; my daughter is not quite a year old; she learns new things and makes wonderful discoveries every day. The thought of being away from her for six weeks at basic breaks my heart, and some of you casually mention months? Yikes! Isn't it possible to keep your kids close while still doing your job?

I'm also going to be a single parent soon, and neither my ex-husband or I are willing to be cut off from our little girl, especially while she's in such a high development time of her life. It is a pretty friendly divorce, but he can't follow me all over the place to see her, and we don't want to do any six months with one parent because the other can't be here stints. Call me a wimp if you must, because I know some of you are out there doing exactly what I'm balking at not but choice but by necessity.

I can't help thinking that if there has to be a better way. How can I choose between my child and the chance to make a better life for myself? My father was in the Air Force until I was seven years old, and my mother stayed home and ran a day care service. So for me it was like every day all my friends came over to play at my house. I know I was young enough that they weren't going to tell me if anything ungood was going on, but it seem to me that since Dad retired their lives have gone steadily downhill. I mean, we were at least comfortable then; now my mother works 60 hour weeks in a kitchen in addition to my father's income and they still don't have enough. They live paycheck to paycheck, barely making their bills, and they have no idea how they got here or how to help themselves out of the hole they've dug.

What's my point here? That I never want to live like they do. Right now I am, though. I think the military is the best way for me to dig myself out; get my finances under control and get the training to keep them that way. I'm waiting tables to pay the bills, but there's nothing left over for college classes, and by the time I get enough of my debts paid off that there might be, my daughter will be old enough that my child rearing expenses will eat up the extra cash. It's a vicious circle that has sneaked up and snagged too many people--not me. I think the military is my best chance to get my life together by getting the training I need and still being able to support myself.

That's where I'm at right now, and I would definitely welcome feedback of any sort. Even if you think I'm all wrong, tell me why. I promise to listen to everyone and not take offense.

Balancing the responsibilities to both work and family has never been easy. However these days things are hitting a crisis point. The bureaucracy of the military system has not caught up with the facts of life. It has been said that the Church (for example) is 5-10 years behind society. The military has always been 5-10 years behind the Church.

The original assumptions that the system was built on are no longer valid. At one time physical labor was dirt cheap and desk jobs were rare. (About the same time June Cleaver was the example for women.) Nowadays, look at who gets the best pay in the civvie world: white/pink collar work is in general cheap, and the rates for (some) physically demanding work is much higher (when was the last time you shared a neighborhood with a professional athlete!) I know that my local trades people are worth quite a bit per hour.

However, we in the military continue to pay our soldiers not very much. What is the salary difference between the cop on the SWAT team and the special forces enlisted? The terms and conditions of employment are not really that unfavorable for the cop!

The military system has also not caught up with other realities. Divorced families and child custody issues are always a problem. At what point does a service person rate family quarters and not barracks, depending on the visitation court order, does going on exercise and not being able to visit negate ones visitation rights due to the courts, etc.

So far, the answers are overwhelmingly of the sort "Well, maybe he/she should leave" This however is a dated argument that doesn't sit well with a volunteer vice conscription military.

The answer may be simply to take a step back and look at what the current needs are, and the best way to address them, especially in light of the extra demands not made by any other employer. Such as daycare that has a boarding element during exercises or deployments. These things could be taxpayer subsidized (after all it is for the benefit of the employer).

And so the crux of the issue appears to be the willingness of the military to recognize its responsibilities as an employer to its employees. While I am sure that federal regulations apply, I am equally sure that the military has been seeking exemptions. A closer application of what is currently done in other departments would not hurt the military a bit. Ever wonder what the separation, and other allowances are for FBI, CIA, diplomats... I don't think they are being too hard done by.

Until that (relatively) blissful time, I think the only way to cope is to develop a good support network. Hopefully family and friends can come through in a pinch. And I hope the boss understands when you ask for a day's leave to look after the kids. Good luck to all of us.

I am interested in stories about women who have given birth during service or have experience the joy of military service and being a mom at the same time. It was a challenging time for me too. Please send to my e-mail - momh@prodigy.net

It seems a common theme in the complaints I've heard from military parents is the hours of the installation's childcare facility. They are every bit as inflexible as the civilian centers, despite the obvious differences of military work life. I remember seeing a fellow hop out of his car, unlock a building, and run back to the car, where a toddler was waiting for him. I surmised that the poor guy had the watch and was responsible for securing and opening the building--unfortunately, the child development center didn't open for another half hour!

Is it that the installation CDCs are civilian-run, and the folks setting the policies are so far removed from the realities of military life that they simply don't have a clue? Certainly, there are cost issues involved in extended/flexible hours, but I'm sure there are reasonable alternatives, if only the policy setters could "think outside the box."

As for the old "if we meant for you to have a family, we would have issued you one" argument... It's those families that make defending one's country a worthwhile pursuit. Take them away, and what is worth risking your life to protect?

I'm at my wits end or darn near. I sympathize wholeheartedly with the single mother whose posting is listed on 27 Jan 97. I'm not a single mother but I have two children and use the post daycare facilities. This is probably my biggest mistake. I am so frustrated that I could spit. I had to pick up my infant son (9 Mos) today because he has a cold in his eye (pink eye/conjunctivitis or so I'm told). It's highly contagious. I now have to stay out of work today and tomorrow because my son has to be on medication for 24hours before he can return. Since this is a frequent occurrence - the daycare calls at the drop of a hat. I was once called and told to pick him up because of suspected ringworm. I needed a doctor's note to explain that it was infant acne and he was fine. I'm sure this pink eye thing is for real. I can see the ugly yellow/green discharge but after being called for all kinds of inaccurate things I'm frustrated. It's not like pink eye is the chicken pox or something fatal. The worst that happens is the same with a cold. Another kid gets it and they'll need drops too. It's not life threatening and it's not like pink eye makes kids more crabby. In fact all these little childhood illnesses build up a child's immunities. It's a good thing, really. I guess I'm just stuck with the situation. My advice to any active duty woman considering children is DON'T unless you want to go through all kinds of hassle with your job/boss, pay a substitute sitter (if you are fortunate enough to find one) money on top of what you are already paying the center, or force your civilian spouse to take off work which causes him to lose that days pay. It's awful. I'm thinking I need to convert to whatever religion allows for two wives so that she can watch our kids or convince the Army to pay me enough to get a nanny.

A response to the question, What's It Like Being a Single Parent in the Military?
Posted: 27 Jan 97

It is very hard as a two stripper to deal with my son and the military way of life. Daycare at my particular base is not very exercise friendly. When you are surrounded by married military members who have never had to take care of a child on their own, it is very hard to get understanding from them when the daycare calls and says your child is sick and you have to pick him up. For me there is no spouse to drop him off to and say, "honey stay with him." I work two jobs and go to school because a household needs two incomes and there is only one body to do it. If I want a chance in the military then I have to start my off duty education so eventually I will make enough as to where I do not have to take on a second job. Housing is very hard too. In an area where the cost of living is high and the pay isn't, it's either live in an area I can't go out at night in or sacrifice other things to pay a very expensive rent. I always wonder why priority isn't given to young airmen with families on the base housing list. Because if I hadn't gotten pregnant, there is no way I would have been allowed to move off base because of the financial strain. But the moment I became pregnant I had to make arrangements for a place for me and the baby to stay because I couldn't live in the dorms. Maybe the idea is that my financial strain has gone away. It hasn't. In fact it got worse because now there are two mouths to feed off the same income I had in the dorms. Only this time everything is not free. Maybe one day the "higher ups" will realize why the younger generation is no longer interested in serving their country. Instead of guessing, they will just ask us. Help me while I am helping myself and you will have a dedicated person for the rest of your life. Just a little compassion and understanding is all that is needed to get someone who will be dedicated forever. I have always had high regards for the military all my life and this was the dream I had. To be able to serve my country. Now it looks like I will have to give that dream up because I can't afford the rent anymore. Maybe one day this country will realize that some of the greatest "would be leaders" got out because they couldn't afford the rent either.

A response to the question, What's It Like Being a Single Parent in the Military?
Posted: 26 Dec 96

Well for starters it's not easy but nobody ever said life would be easy. I have been very fortunate I am going on four years in the Navy and only had to leave my daughter once for three months to attend school. Fortunately she stayed with her father part of the time and my mother the rest. But now that I am stationed in Arlington, VA., I have nobody. All my family is at least 12 hours away. Being a single mom makes for a long day. My next door neighbor was joking with me the other day. I had just drove home to Michigan to get my household goods that I had in storage. He made a comment because I drove a Ryder truck from home to Virginia with my two year old and said that "I should have done it in uniform so that he could have recommended me for a Navy Achievement Medal." I never thought I would be able to balance the two and I looked up to all the men and women in the military that are single-parents and in the military it's not easy.

Family life up here in Canada is pretty much the same as in the US. However, browsing through I noticed a substantial difference in daycare fees...

I have two kids (3 yr & 7mo). My husband is also in the service (we call it MSC -married service couple). Our daycare fees are $65 Cdn, (about $45 US) PER DAY! Needless to say, one of us goes to work just for the pension, and for some sanity away from the kids. Although I have to admit that our maternity benefits are much better. Is it true that US servicewomen were sent to the Gulf War before the epesiotomy stitches could heal? Wow. All told we get six months off for Maternity Leave. The first two weeks are Sick Leave (full pay),(6 for C-section). Then we go on MAT LWOP for 15 weeks. During this period we get unemployment insurance (UI) Maternity (a social benefits type thing). The final 10 weeks is called Parental Leave. Either parent may take it, and it is administered through the UI.

The pay implications are: Full pay (2weeks)
UI (Max $484 (Cdn)/wk)for 25 weeks
Top Up (93%) for 15 weeks

Top Up is additional payment by our employer (the federal government) to "top up" the UI payments for a total of 93% of your salary (2 cheques in the mail). It is for all federally employed women. We owe that one to the Public Service Unions, not because of overwhelming generosity on behalf of the government. The end result is I stay home for the first six months for each child. By that time I'm ready to go back to work! And the baby knows exactly who his mother is. My sons are both well-adjusted (no ax murderer tendencies shown yet!), and like being with others at their daycare.

From the military's point of view, approval for all this leave SHALL be given, except for urgent operational needs. For example, in the Gulf War a new mother could be deployed after being found medically fit after pregnancy (off sick leave). She would however get to take MAT LWOP later.

This "time off" does not provide an excessive burden to the system. After all, civilians get the same deal throughout the entire government bureaucracy. Our military is always sending lots of personnel on Peacekeeping missions for six months at a time, so managers (bosses, whomever) are used to having less than a full complement of personnel. I'm sure you know the maxim: Do less with more!

I'm glad that the stories I read had happy endings, however, mine did not end, nor did it begin, that way. I am no longer in the service, and my trials with childcare are the reason why. My husband and I were both in the Army, stationed in Germany. He was a unit Motor Sergeant SFC, and I was a Military Police SSG. He arrived in May 95. I then followed in June. As we are both aware of the difficulties of arriving at a new duty station with a family in tow, our son stayed with my mother for 4 months. (My mother had been a Godsend to my family. My husband and I were stationed in the same unit before PCSing overseas and, between the 2 of us, had deployed 13 times, the 3 of us having spent less than 1/2 of his life together. Our son stayed with my mother on several occasions for months at a time, once for a period of 10 months in 1992 while we did back-to-back-to-back deployments and TDYs ). My mother brought our son to Germany at the end of September, after we had received our housing, household goods, etc. My husband and I had taken leave to facilitate getting our son settled-in (physicals, daycare, prepare a Family Care Plan, etc.) The day after we put my mother on the plane to return to the US, our leave was canceled as both our units were alerted for deployment to Bosnia. (Another deployment -- just our luck.) That's when all our problems started...

Due to its limited hours, the post Day Care facility could not accommodate us. (Besides, there was a waiting list. This was the first place I'd seen that didn't give preference to single parent /dual military). Any child care provider we use has to be authorized by the Day Care, therefore our only option was to find an FCC (family child care) Provider, who was also authorized to work extended hours (to accommodate my 14 hr shifts, weekends, holidays, etc.) This proved next to impossible, as there were only a handful of providers licensed for extended care. Since the whole Corps was alerted for Bosnia, no wives wanted to take on children. (If they're husband's deployed for a year, they would return to the States), except for one. I contacted her, and she did say she would care for our son on a two-week trial basis. Due to our income and the hours/days I would need daycare (I was working 14 hrs/day, 6 days/week), she would charge me over $700 each month. ( Did I mention that we have only 1 child? Did I further mention that he has no special needs whatsoever? ) I was able, however, to make the most of my situation. I left the service 2 1/2 yrs prior to ETS with an honorable discharge, privileges, and a hefty separation pay. ( If interested in how, email me at KarenArnold@Bigfoot.com".)

We now live in my hometown, which is extremely safe; my son is only minutes from his Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, and cousins; and he going to a great school. My husband is still stationed in Germany and we miss him dearly, but making sacrifices is something we have done throughout our careers. Our son's life is the most stable it has ever been, and I feel lucky to be able to spend so much time with him, making up for missed birthdays, Christmas's, and childhood milestones. More importantly, I am here for the next ones.

When my family and I were living in Germany a few years ago, my husband and I were unable to get our two children into childcare on base because of the extremely long waiting list so we advertised locally. We turned to an older German woman and her family who lived near the base. They were wonderful. My children enjoyed a close relationship with her for two years. She was like a grandmother to them. Everyday she put my son on the bus for school and was there to meet him when he came home after school. She taught them to speak German and they made many friends with the locals who lived nearby.

We have been stateside for two years now and have since lost touch with her and her family. Many times my children ask about her, they still remember. If we ever go back to Germany, her house will be one of the first places I visit. By turning to someone who lived in the country I was in, my children learned first-hand about its culture. It was a wonderful experience and I would do it again.

Ever wonder how you would deal with the childcare issue in a foreign country? Here are three of my experiences. 11 Sep 96:

First: Both my husband and I were getting ready to transfer from Washington, DC to a new duty station. He was a Seabee and could go just about anywhere in the world without much hassle or planning. I, on the other hand, was a Disbursing Clerk and my options of places to go were very limited. His detailer came up with Adak, Alaska--great, as he has always wanted to go there. After much hemming and hawing, my detailer came up with Adak for me too. There was just one catch--we couldn't bring my daughter, who at the time was just a few months old, due to the fact that there was no housing available. My husband's detailer said no problem, we can find you someplace else to go where you can take the baby with you. He got Rota, Spain. My detailer, on the other hand, said, absolutely not, I had to go to Adak, there were no other openings for a DK anywhere else. Ok. Now what do you do with this sort of situation? Where do you turn to for help?

I immediately called my parents to inform them that they would have to take care of my daughter. Both of them worked. Both of them had their own lives. How could I impose on them like this? But what else could I do? My mother took it upon herself to call a friend of hers who worked for our state Senator and explained the situation. Just one day later, I got a call from my detailer stating that I had orders to Rota, Spain. Hmmm. That was interesting. How did he manage to find me a spot so quickly, considering the other day he had nothing available?

I guess the moral of the story is: Don't be afraid to call your Congressman or Senator. They are there for you and will help you out!

Second: While I was stationed in Spain, I had to immediately find someone to take care of my daughter, as I had to go right to work as soon as we got there. One of the women PN's knew of a Spanish family who had a daughter who would take care of my daughter. Wonderful! That was easy! Not so fast...

First of all, she didn't speak any English and my command of the Spanish language was, well let's say, nil. Armed with a Spanish dictionary, I would attempt to communicate what I wanted her to do with my daughter during the day. For any kind of in-depth instructions, I would have to have the woman in personnel talk to her, as she spoke the language fluently. That worked out pretty well until one day...

I thought I told her this: Please feed my daughter a can of clam chowder for lunch. Put it into this pan and fill the empty can with milk, then add it to the soup, and heat it on the stove until it is just warm. Ok, that went well I thought until...we got home from work and my daughter had diarrhea the whole night. I asked the women in personnel to ask my sitter what she had fed the baby and she said the soup right out of the can! Yuck! Poor kid, it's a wonder she wasn't sick to her stomach or gotten something else just as bad!

So...a word to the wise. Make sure your lines of communication are clear and I mean clear or who knows what might happen!

Third: Just minor. When my daughter started saying her first words, I missed them. Why? I was at work for the Navy. Then she started saying her first complete sentences. Guess what language she was speaking? I can tell you this, it wasn't English. That really doesn't seem like a big issue now, but at the time, it really bothered me. So, I searched for an American dependent wife who would take care of my daughter. I was very successful with that, and found a wonderful lady. I had one thing I asked her to do for me: "I don't care how you do it, or what you have to do, but teach her how to speak English, please."

Well, the results were quick and my daughter was speaking English in no time. I owe it all to my sitter. She said she used to talk to her from the time she got there in the morning to the time we got there to pick her up. She would talk about anything and everything, no matter how trivial.

The end result: I now have a daughter who talks constantly, I think she even does it in her sleep. Thanks Cathy! I owe you one.

During the month of January 1991, I was faced with a problem I had never thought of. I had been activated to go to Operation Desert Storm and I had two children, one in first grade, the other not in school yet and needed to be cared for by someone. Seeing as how I was the childcare provider for my girls, now I had to find someone else to do it and I only had one week to accomplish this. No easy task, I can assure you.

The first place I thought of was our local YMCA. They would help, that is what they are there for. I called them on the phone and they were quite adamant about the fact that they didn't have any room and because she didn't attend their daycare at all, the answer would have to be, "I'm sorry, but I can't help you." I tried for days to find someone, but not having had to deal with this issue before, I really didn't know where to turn. My parents couldn't take care of her during the day, as they both worked. I was at my wits end. The day was approaching for me to leave and I still had no childcare for her.

I decided to use a little muscle behind my purpose and had my mother talk with the people up at the Y to see what she could do for me. (She knew most of the chief cheeses there.) Then I went to talk with them and begged them to take her. After an exhausting close to the week, the Y finally consented to put my daughter in their childcare program--and for a pretty steep price--$58.00 a week.

I now could leave knowing that she was in good hands and didn't have to worry about her. But, nobody should have to go through something like that. It was so nerve-racking. No time and not a clue as to who to call.

I guess if there has to be a moral to this story it is this: If you are a reservist, plan ahead. You never know when your number might come up and you have to go off to war.

What's it like being a single-parent in the military? What do you do with your children when you have to deploy or go on a long TDY?

I was very fortunate to find a great babysitter on post who would keep my toddler while I was sent to the field or go on TDY. The sitter's husband was in the Army and knew all about the inconveniences. I think that's the way to go. When my son became sick (to be hospitalized) while I was gone the sitter had the knowledge and where-withall to contact the right people to get me pulled out of the field. My NCOs were quite committed to taking care of family first fortunately.