Mil to Mil Marriage

[Anonymous]

I have been Enl AD for just over 2 years and my fiance for just over 4. We're in 2 completely seperate careers. Here's the sob-story part... We spent 7 months straight apart just recently due to split deployments. (We missed one another in Germany by 6 hours and at home by 2 days.) His original purposal to me was going to be on the flight line when I got home. He bought me a puppy and a "Will you marry us...?" dog collar tag, however (OBVIOUSLY) wasn't able to do so. We had been dating for 5 months before I left for Iraq. Now that we're both home things are just now starting to wind down. His original purposal to me was going to be on the flight line when I got home. He bought me a puppy and a "Will you marry us...?" dog collar tag, however (OBVIOUSLY) wasn't able to do so. With all of the rush and fuss since he's been home I've aquired a ring but no purposal. My heart was a little bruised by it bc the ring isn't the point, it's the presentation. :) My biggest questions or interests are that since we've been home we've been very edgy and have fought randomly about miscommunications. My parents are divorcing, and we've decided that the "Childhood-dream-wedding" is a little out of our means. I want to go through pre-marital counseling however he feels that that will mean something is wrong with him or us. We've thought of everything from a small wedding to eloping... We want orders and don't want to be seperated again with out a deployment necessity. (EVEN THEN I THINK WE'D PASS!) I am just at dead stop with this whole thing. How do we go about a cheap, quaint wedding and building a stronger marriage foundation? Does the AF offer Marital Counseling, both preemptively and during? Besides the stresses that we've encountered, what other Mil to Mil type struggles will we come across? Any words of advice would be appreciated. The divorces in the AF and MIL period are so high and that just isn't something we want. We know it will be tough but can't wait to see it out! Jn

[Anonymous]

Jn, I am mil to mil also and I understand. My husband and I were separated for over 1 year right after we were married and on different continents. Mil to mil doesn't guarantee you'll be together. We are now together but it was a wait. I think pre-marital counseling would be a great idea for you all. Usually the base chapel has those classes or the Family Support Center offers some. Let your boss know that you're interested in those classes. Don't worry about what it may seem like to attend them, you'll be better for it. If you care about your relationship you'll give it the pre-marriage attention as well. As for a low budget wedding, if you don't care who is there, you can go to your local Justice of the Peace to atleast get the marriage official and get the small ceremony and the certificate and then you can always have a bigger one at a later date. That is what a lot of military couples do. I hope this helps.. If I can offer anything else, write back on this and let me know. A.V.

alirmull@hotmail.com

[Anonymous]

Ask yourself this. If you are willing to push him in a wheelchair, for the rest of his life, should the situation arise, and you feel he would do the same for you. He's a keeper. A lot of mil to mils break-up because of the "competition" thing, career advancements, who's job is more important, etc.... Remember, just because you have a career, you are still going to be a "wife" and he needs to remember, he must be a "husband". Read Dr. Laura's book, "The proper care and feeding of husbands" if you cannot practice correct "wifeness", your marriage could fail. Men still need to know they are needed as MEN. Mentally and physically. No matter what the "feminists" say. Too many women with careers forget they are simply women and forget to be one.

Going through deployments, separation is hard, but TRUE love will get you through. Hold off on having kids. Can be very hard.

Retired AF MSgt, use to be mil to mil, still married after 19 years. Many deployments.


:
: Jn, I am mil to mil also and I understand. My husband and I were separated
: for over 1 year right after we were married and on different continents.
: Mil to mil doesn't guarantee you'll be together. We are now together but
: it was a wait. I think pre-marital counseling would be a great idea for
: you all. Usually the base chapel has those classes or the Family Support
: Center offers some. Let your boss know that you're interested in those
: classes. Don't worry about what it may seem like to attend them, you'll be
: better for it. If you care about your relationship you'll give it the
: pre-marriage attention as well. As for a low budget wedding, if you don't
: care who is there, you can go to your local Justice of the Peace to
: atleast get the marriage official and get the small ceremony and the
: certificate and then you can always have a bigger one at a later date.
: That is what a lot of military couples do. I hope this helps.. If I can
: offer anything else, write back on this and let me know. A.V.

[Anonymous]

: I have been Enl AD for just over 2 years and my fiance for just over 4. We're
: in 2 completely seperate careers. Here's the sob-story part... We spent 7
: months straight apart just recently due to split deployments. (We missed
: one another in Germany by 6 hours and at home by 2 days.) His original
: purposal to me was going to be on the flight line when I got home. He
: bought me a puppy and a "Will you marry us...?" dog collar tag,
: however (OBVIOUSLY) wasn't able to do so. We had been dating for 5 months
: before I left for Iraq. Now that we're both home things are just now
: starting to wind down. His original purposal to me was going to be on the
: flight line when I got home. He bought me a puppy and a "Will you
: marry us...?" dog collar tag, however (OBVIOUSLY) wasn't able to do
: so. With all of the rush and fuss since he's been home I've aquired a ring
: but no purposal. My heart was a little bruised by it bc the ring isn't the
: point, it's the presentation. :) My biggest questions or interests are
: that since we've been home we've been very edgy and have fought randomly
: about miscommunications. My parents are divorcing, and we've decided that
: the "Childhood-dream-wedding" is a little out of our means. I
: want to go through pre-marital counseling however he feels that that will
: mean something is wrong with him or us. We've thought of everything from a
: small wedding to eloping... We want orders and don't want to be seperated
: again with out a deployment necessity. (EVEN THEN I THINK WE'D PASS!) I am
: just at dead stop with this whole thing. How do we go about a cheap,
: quaint wedding and building a stronger marriage foundation? Does the AF
: offer Marital Counseling, both preemptively and during? Besides the
: stresses that we've encountered, what other Mil to Mil type struggles will
: we come across? Any words of advice would be appreciated. The divorces in
: the AF and MIL period are so high and that just isn't something we want.
: We know it will be tough but can't wait to see it out! Jn


Marriage is hard, no matter who you are. My husband and I were both E-4's when we married, and I stayed in for another four years before I got out. (For the record, I had other reasons for getting out, it wasn't because we were both AD.) Get the counseling if you feel you need or want it, it certainly won't hurt anything and might help a lot. Any time you are apart, whether for a week or a year, you will have a certain amount of adjusting when you get back together. The fighting is normal; try to calm down, talk, and work through it. As for the wedding, we first had a JP, then a few months later we had a small, pretty ceremony at the base chapel that only cost about $200, flowers, dress, everything. Talk to your chaplain about what's available there. Respect, trust, and communication are the most important aspects of a marriage - without them you can't have love. Keeping that in mind is what has kept my husband and I together and happy, even when one was deployed or TDY.

miertsch@min.midco.net